Floating and sad about life. How to find a purpose that’s not kids

I am 33F and feel like I have been floating through life. I am starting to get resentful of my current life due to my past. I am very much that annoying person who has the strappings of success and comfortability, but feels directionless in adulthood.

My parents are emotionally immature, and though they are still married, have a lot of baggage and resentment towards each other. We did not have a lot of money growing up, and it always felt like there was some crisis going on. It really warped my understanding of how relationships should be. My mother had very high expectations of my education and career success, but did not provide a lot of guidance. Because of this, I am very self sufficient, but I feel like I never got a good handle on who I was; I made most of my choices based on what she wanted. She has always relied heavily on me to emotionally support her. I have been to therapy, but prior to that I had very low self esteem. I was literally the poster child for “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”

I have been with a kind and loving partner for the last 12 years, married for two. I have a job that pays well and is fine (good benefits). We travel and live quite comfortably. But I feel like my life is a lie and I’m just kind of floating. I feel like I want to blow up all of my security and start my whole life over again.

My husband was recently out of town for a conference, and just being alone and by myself felt soooo good. No one else to worry about or be responsible over… it made me realize I never got to be independent because of my familial expectations. I realized the happiest times in my life have been when I was away from my life (summer internship in a different city, traveling for work). I’ve been day-dreaming about all the ways my life could have been if I had different parents, gone out of state for college, etc. I have goals (get a new job, go to grad school, lose those damn 10 pounds, get a healthier handle on how much alcohol I drink), but I feel like the day just goes by, and I struggle with the follow through. I spend a lot of my time on the weekends drunk because… idk… why not?

I have so many things to be thankful for, but it’s like I won’t be satisfied until I can jump in a time machine and live this fictionalized, idealized life. I think it’s from a lack of purpose. I want to find what that could be. Although I enjoy children, I am a fence-sitter leaning towards child free. I don’t want this purpose to be tied into procreating, especially if my issues may be independence based.

I want to love my husband, my parents, my life as they are. Not what I wish they could have been.

Edit: I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to reply to this from the bottom of my heart. The support offered here is so immensely helpful. Sometimes the internet and life can feel vast and lonely; but a group of strangers reaching out with care and compassion makes it feel a little less so. <3