My fear, jealousy, and insecurity is ruining my relationship

I’m seeking support because I feel like I’ve become a lost cause of anxious attachment.

My current relationship is the worst my anxiety has ever been, despite my current partner being incredibly supportive, kind, and not avoidant.

The biggest struggles I face are retroactive jealousy, general jealousy and insecurity about my partner not finding me attractive, and fear that he doesn’t want to be with me.

I’ve gotten way better at bottling my feelings in… but for ages I kept bringing these things up, and despite him being supportive, I am scared he’s going to run out of patience for me and leave me. It’s draining on him and I can see how it pushes him away.

There was also an awful cycle happening where I was like “I know I’m draining you. I must be an awful girlfriend. are you going to leave me?” and even these conversations must take a toll.

I used to not really be like this and I don’t know why it’s getting worse lately.

Bottling things up doesn’t help because the thoughts are still so loud and consuming. I’m aware I need to self soothe, I’m aware of everything i should do but how do I actually do it?

EDITING TO ADD: Thank you for all the wonderful comments so far. I will begin replying individually soon. I am seeing lots of comments suggesting i get therapy, or read up on attachment styles. I’ve been in therapy for years (first mainly CBT and now Somatic), and I’ve also read every resource about Attachment styles there is. That’s why I feel so messed up… I feel like I’ve tried everything 🥺

I know I’m anxiously attached, and i believe my boyfriend is secure (or a tad anxious). I’ve had avoidant partners in the past and avoided the same pattern. I’m so lucky that he hasn’t been pushed away and is SO supportive, but he still deserves better than how I’m acting.