Don't let an aging parent ruin your relationship

After several months of a trial separation, my wife yesterday informed me that she wants a divorce. So I feel compelled to issue this warning. Don't get me wrong--I'm not saying my aging father is solely responsible for the dissolution of my marriage. I was dealing with a number of stressors, and her and I failed to resolve issues of some significance. That said, it was obvious my dad's situation played a significant role in all this. I simply wasn't proactive enough in getting my dad into an assisted living facility, possibly even memory care. I felt that it wasn't my life, but I was somehow compelled to help him live independently. I can't even imagine the millage I put on my car traveling to his house to help get groceries and pay his bills, clean his place, get him to his doctor's appointments, get him the medication he needs (through the VA nonetheless), basically keep him alive. After the initial hospitalization that set this in motion, I was able to buy him about two years on his own. Now he's in a memory care facility--just a few months after he temporarily moved in with me, he broke his hip and there was only one place that could take him while he healed. He was going to need 24 hr. assistance.

My wife had made it clear she was not happy with how much time I was spending on his affairs. And rightfully so, as it was eating away my time with the family, and it always aggravated my depression. I started a new career last year and my dad's problems were preventing me from putting best foot forward. By the time I was able to convince him to start touring assisted living facilities and getting on a waiting list, it was too little too late. My wife moved out, in part, to make room for my Dad to live at our place for a little bit--just a way to ease the transition into assisted living. The most-recent hospitalization was the big wake up call. Now my brother and I are in the process of managing his property, getting a short-term bridge loan to buy us time to fix up my childhood home, only for that house to be sold to pay for future memory care costs. It's not hard to see how a marriage could crumble under these conditions, especially if you don't get out in front of it when you had the opportunity.

Yeah, our marriage had some problems to begin with. But dealing with my Dad was taking away time, energy, and other resources I needed to address my marital issues. I was exhausted all the time. And it was getting in the way of my new job. I was getting pulled in too many directions, and my Dad's situation was by far the most frustrating. If not for that, I feel like I could have repaired our relationship. Or maybe not. But it would have freed up a lot of time to focus on what's really important.

Anyways, I just felt like sounding the alarm to anyone worried that their obligations to an aging parent are ruining your relationship... or some other important part of your life. The best advice I can offer are these rules of thumb: (1) set some boundaries to prevent it from bleeding into your family or professional life; (2) be proactive about moving this process along, because it's not getting any easier--if its damaging your marriage, that's a clear sign that you can no longer provide the help they need; (3) if you haven't yet dealt with estate matters, medical/financial POI, etc., call a lawyer ASAP; and (4) let it be a lesson and plan for this period of your life so that it doesn't all fall on the shoulders of your children or other family members. I know it's easier said than done, but trust me when I say there is a better way.

Happy New Year