AITAH for cutting off my ex-housemate after they refused to give back keys?
TLDR: housemate moved out and didn’t give back keys, was offended when I said they need to because they moved out, they got real angry and told me I was mistreating them for it.
For the past 3 years I’ve lived in a sharehouse with two friends - and it’s been amazing. We communicated with each other really well and turned our little apartment into a comfy and safe home. Pretty much became our own lil family.
Back in Feb, one of the housemates (let’s call them Y) decided they were going to move in with their partner - and we were absolutely stoked for them! Y has been already living with their partner for almost a year, and they are basically inseparable, so it made sense to actually move in fully.
We were obviously sad that the trio was ending and myself and the remaining housemate (let’s call them M) would have to find someone else to live with us or fully move out too, but we were so excited for Y to be with the person they love. Then the trouble started.
Y kept going back and forth on moving dates, so much so that the person we lined up to move in pulled out at one point because it was too inconsistent.
The moving weekend eventually rolls around - Y and I are chilling and going over logistics and I let them know I’ll need to get the keys from them when they go on Sunday. They look a bit sad, but the whole event is sad, and says “I was thinking I could actually keep a key, and then come and surprise you guys! Like you come home from work and I’m here and we can hang out!” As much as I love them, we had a new person that they didn’t know moving in and that felt not very welcoming and kind of uncomfortable, it wasn’t even something I had even considered.
I told Y that I couldn’t make that decision on behalf of the others (new person hadn’t moved in and M was overseas) and said I would ask them, but would still need to get the keys when they left. Y said “Oh, so you’re not comfortable with that?” And I said, “Not really, I just don’t want to speak for M and the new person without actually asking them.” Y said that was fair and they would hand back both their own key and their partner’s (which was cut without asking us but that’s not the issue at hand).
We go to bed and the next day I’m in my room working, but realised I hadn’t heard them moving in a while and the van was gone but furniture was still here. It was weird, but I figured they were just making trips and it was only like 2pm so made sense. They didn’t come back till 11pm.
The next day, they’re back to packing up and I offer to get them and the partner coffee (I’m not good with lifting but I can do snacks!) and they say they’ve already had some but thank me and get back to moving things. They leave around 11am while I was in my room getting some work done, and then at like 2pm I realise I haven’t heard anything in a while, and look at the room and see the furniture and boxes are gone. I send Y a message asking if they were gone and they said yes they were finished moving. Didn’t say bye - ouch.
I told them I was so sad and couldn’t believe they didn’t say bye, but Y said they thought I was having a nap coz I was quiet and it was alright coz they’d be back later in the week for the last few things. I was a little sad but knew we’d have a big hug when Y came back in a few days. I also reminded Y that I needed the keys (because the new housemate was moving in this week on Wednesday) and Y said it was fine and they needed one to get the rest of their stuff and would give them back after that. They also said they didn’t want to bother M with anything while they were overseas so they were just going to talk to me about things rather than put it in the group chat we have - which made sense to me, let M enjoy the holiday.
Days go by and there’s no word from Y about when they were getting the last of their things. I ask them when they were coming and when they were bringing the keys, again because the new person was moving in. Limited responses but eventually said they would bring them on Friday and pop them in the mailbox on their way up the coast (a weekend away - they do this often), and that the partner had lost their key but they would try to find it. No mention of getting their things. Red flag.
Friday comes and I check it’s happening today - Y says actually they’re on the coast (1-2h away) and didn’t have the energy to stop by (despite it being on the way) but the partner would drop a key by because he was in the area that afternoon.
I get home from work in the afternoon, no key. I check the mailbox every hour from 3 till 7pm before asking for an ETA and saying I’m a little worried and if the partner was ok or something was wrong. No response. Another hour, no response.
Another hour and no key and I tell them I need the key for the new person who is getting it the next day. No response. I call the partner to check in, no answer. It’s 10pm and I am losing it - I’ve checked 8 times, am being left on read and not having calls picked up.
10:30pm I go into full problem solving mode and try and find a locksmith who can cut me a key - I find one in the nearby city that’s open 24h and go there, only to find they only do the key cutting during the 9-5 hours. I go home, it’s after 11pm, and check the mailbox to see ONE key there. I’m so exhausted and angry at this point. I send Y a message saying I got the key and I expect the second one in the next week. Left on read.
The next day I wake up, emotionally drained, and see I have a message from Y. They say they sense a bit of passive aggression in my last message and that the previous night the partner broke his rib and his phone died and Y didn’t have answers to respond to me with so they chose to not say anything because it wouldn’t be helpful, but also that they didn’t see the problem with them keeping a key because they still have stuff in our place and they didn’t realise the new person would need a key to move in because they might have M’s while M is overseas and it wasn’t a big deal.
I told them the aggression wasn’t passive (oops) and told them it was not fair of them to ignore me for hours and leave me waiting and constantly checking, and that it is not reasonable to keep a key to a home they do not live it and that I was feeling really hurt by this.
I was met with an onslaught of messages about how I treated Y terribly and wasn’t being understanding, and they weren’t ignoring me and they didn’t see my messages because they were driving and it was late at night so they turned notifications off, but also they were on the coast trying to sort out the partner getting an x-ray in our city two hours away, but also that his phone died so Y didn’t know what was happening. I was getting whiplash from the various reasons Y was giving me about ignoring me. We fought for a bit, going around in circles of Y giving excuse after excuse for the same things, and none of them lining up.
I ended up telling Y that I was sick of arguing, I was very hurt but I also want the best for them and wish them well with this new chapter of their life, that I love them and have enjoyed living with them and was not going to fight anymore because it wasn’t helping either of us.
Y said they didn’t want to fight either, and then proceeded to continue to argue about how they were right and I had treated them badly by not letting them keep a key. I just left it. I was so broken from it, that someone I considered family was acting like this seemingly out of nowhere. I was so confused.
When M got back and asked how it went, I just broke and relayed everything - even handing them my phone to check if I had been rude or dismissive. Turns out M was receiving messages from Y while they were away saying how I was treating them so badly and wouldn’t let them keep their key, and giving even more reasons why they should be able to keep it - like staying over after a night out or that they just didn’t know when you move out you hand back the key. Nothing lined up.
I decided I couldn’t mentally keep dealing with Y, and M wanted to understand how it had spiralled so far, so M tried to organise to hang out with Y and talk, and then get the key afterwards. Y then proceeded to stuff M around with times and plans, that they had lost their other key, the whole time saying how hurt they were that I mistreated them and it was all miscommunication and had been blown out of proportion and such. M finally got them to decide to come on a Sunday - 3 weeks after the original moving date.
The Sunday came, and Y started coming up with excuses about why they might not make it - they were on the coast again, they had a big week at work, there’s family things, etc. and M said no, and told Y they were coming today and it was not fair to jerk them around like this. Y showed up at 9pm, dressed to the 9s and without any pleasantries started saying to M that this whole thing was not how Y wanted to end the chapter of living with us and that they thought it was a lot of miscommunication happening. M finally snapped and said “yeah, by you”, and left Y to collect the rest of their “few” things (which ended up being almost 2 car loads). At the end, Y just left.
Afterwards M apologised for snapping at Y and said they were just at a loss of how this all has fallen apart and that Y has not communicated, that they were worried about Y and why this was all happening, but also that they cared a lot about Y and that they just want to support Y moving in to this new chapter of moving in with the love of their life. Y responded by saying that M didn’t care, that M (on a low income) didn’t buy presents for Y’s birthday (because that’s relevant apparently? But also wasn’t true so idk?), that their mum and grandma both had serious medical emergencies on the coast that had to be handled by Y and we weren’t understanding of that at all, that we should trust Y to have the key and move their things when they can, that nobody is supportive of Y moving in with their partner and they were so hurt by how they have been treated so badly.
M tells me all of this and we both absolutely lose it - because none of the reasons are lining up and we’re both sick of being yelled at for something we thought was meant to be simple. I fully cut Y off, no contact, muted all messages, debating changing locks because we still don’t have the key, the whole thing.
But am I wrong? AITA?