How much should we accommodate our partners?

My wife was DX a few years ago with ADHD and then ASD L1 after that. She takes daily medication. Married 10 years, kids. She definitely masked much of her life and was very high functioning when we met. Since her diagnoses it seems like instead of trying to figure out strategies to maintain or improve day to day functioning, the lens has shifted to it being about how "she is who she is" and it's up to me/society to accommodate her. In practice this means I carry the vast majority of the mental load, schedule and coordinate everything for the whole family, handle all the communications (even draft her texts and emails sometimes), and basically can't have any feelings myself of overwhelm or my own needs. I feel like the expectations are that I'm superhuman because I am NT - fortunately for her I AM an overfunctioner so I usually can handle it all quite well. But it's draining and certainly doesn't make me feel attracted to her in the way I used to when we were more of a team. I feel like it should be up to the person who is ND to work on strategies and tools to help them participate in society and be an equal partner. Is that off base? What are "reasonable accommodations" when it comes to your marriage and coparenting?